Toddler Being Aggressive at Daycare
The short answer
Aggressive behavior at daycare - hitting, biting, pushing, or grabbing - is very common in toddlers, particularly between ages 1-3. Toddlers are still developing impulse control, emotional regulation, and communication skills, and they often resort to physical behavior when they are frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, or unable to express their needs verbally. This does not mean your toddler is a "bad child" or that you are doing something wrong. Most toddler aggression decreases significantly as language skills improve and emotional regulation develops, typically between ages 3-4.
By Age
What to expect by age
Babies do not act with aggressive intent. A baby who grabs, pulls hair, or bites during play is exploring and does not understand they are causing pain. Gently stopping the behavior and saying "Ouch, that hurts" while modeling gentle touch ("gentle hands") is appropriate. If your baby is in a daycare setting and biting during teething, providing appropriate teething toys can help redirect the urge to bite.
Toddler aggression in daycare is extremely common and usually peaks between 18-30 months. Common triggers include: not being able to communicate needs, difficulty sharing, transitions between activities, tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, and adjusting to the daycare environment. Work with daycare staff to identify triggers and patterns. At home, practice using words for emotions, role-play sharing, read books about feelings, and model gentle behavior. Ensure your child is getting enough sleep and food. Aggression that is persistent, severe, or not improving by age 3-4 may benefit from a behavioral consultation.
What Should You Do?
When to take action
- Occasional hitting, pushing, or biting in a toddler under 3 who is still learning to communicate
- Aggression that has identifiable triggers (sharing disputes, transitions, tiredness)
- Behavior that is improving gradually over time
- Your child shows remorse or understanding when redirected ("We don't hit, hitting hurts")
- Aggression is frequent and your child is at risk of being dismissed from daycare
- The behavior is not improving despite consistent strategies at home and daycare
- Your child seems to be targeting the same child repeatedly
- Aggression is accompanied by other behavioral concerns (extreme defiance, destruction of property, hurting animals)
- Your child is causing significant injury to other children
- Aggression is sudden, severe, and out of character
- The behavior is accompanied by developmental regression or other new concerning behaviors
- Your child seems fearful, withdrawn, or is showing signs of being mistreated at daycare
Sources
Related Resources
Related Behavior Concerns
Toddler Biting
Biting is one of the most common and developmentally normal behaviors in toddlers, especially between 12 and 36 months. It usually happens because toddlers lack the language skills to express frustration, excitement, or sensory needs. While it can feel alarming, most children outgrow biting as their communication skills develop.
Toddler Hitting
Hitting is a very normal part of toddler development and does not mean your child is aggressive or that you are doing something wrong. Toddlers hit because their brains are still developing impulse control and they lack the language to express big feelings. With consistent, calm guidance, most children learn better ways to cope by age 3-4.
Toddler Tantrums and Meltdowns
Tantrums are a completely normal and expected part of development, peaking between ages 1.5 and 3. They happen because the emotional centers of your toddler's brain are developing faster than the parts that control reasoning and impulse regulation. On average, toddlers have one tantrum per day, and each typically lasts 2-15 minutes.
Toddler Not Playing With Other Children
It is completely normal for toddlers to not play cooperatively with other children. Most toddlers engage in "parallel play" - playing alongside other children rather than with them. True cooperative play (sharing toys, taking turns, playing together toward a common goal) does not typically develop until ages 3-4. A toddler who plays near other children, watches what they are doing, and occasionally interacts is developing normally. Toddlers who prefer playing alone or who are shy around peers are usually showing normal temperament variation, not a social development problem.
My Toddler Is Aggressive Toward Pets
Toddlers being rough with pets is extremely common and almost never reflects true aggression or cruelty. Young children lack the motor control to be consistently gentle and do not yet understand that animals feel pain the way they do. With patient, consistent teaching about gentle touch and close supervision, most toddlers learn to interact safely with pets by age 3-4.
My Baby Doesn't Seem Attached to Anyone
By 7-9 months, most babies show clear preferences for their primary caregivers and some wariness of unfamiliar people. If your baby seems equally comfortable with everyone and shows no distress when separated from caregivers, it may simply reflect an easy-going temperament. However, if combined with other social differences, it can occasionally warrant further discussion with your pediatrician.